It could be frustrating being alert all the time, trying to keep you on ‘track’ and not fall again in that dark hole you’ve trying to get out and keep yourself out of it…
Every day is a new battle in the war you are fighting constantly, YOU vs YOU, and you are always talking to yourself. You admit to yourself that you have to be ok, to keep going, that you shouldn’t be feeling that way, cause that’s for weak people, you have to be like ‘’normal’’ people…
You feel guilty because sometimes or most of the time you don’t have the strength or the courage to do things you think or feel you should be doing. Sometimes, you act as a machine, doing things automatically like getting up, taking a shower, having breakfast, going to work, then going back home…
You get up and go to work cause you know you have responsibilities but you probably just wanna stay in bed all day without seeing or talking to anyone, you just wanna be with yourself, your feelings and emotions, even if they are killing you deep inside.
Fragile…
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Everything annoys you or makes you feel bad, you take things personally and that’s maybe causing your self-esteem to be too fragile, small things could break you down and there you are, overthinking, feeling and thinking the worst.
Looking for an explanation for everything, no matter how small it was; a word, a conversation, people actions or even yours, you torment yourself thinking about the smallest details.
You just wanna go somewhere, alone, and cry or someone to hug you maybe, but you are not going to say that, you are scared of judgements too…
you are too fragile, you are but you try not to show that to the people around you, you build a shield, to protect yourself and your feelings, that can work against you, you are aware of it but is something you can’t avoid easily or you just can’t.
Because of your “Shield” most of the time; no matter what or how you end up sabotaging your interpersonal relationships, not everybody would understand the war you are fighting inside, every moment, every day and you probably don’t feel like explaining yourself to everybody.
Desperation…
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That feeling when you find yourself struggling, fighting, trying to control the way you feel, your emotions. You feel tired of thinking and feeling, you feel desperate cause you don’t know what to do, how to manage what you are feeling.
You wish you had a bottom to unplug, to turn off those emotions that are consuming you, you feel no way out, your head, your mind doesn’t stop.
Then you start crying, you feel you are losing control over YOU. Moreover, that frustration cause you are losing all the work you’ve been doing to get better, to feel good, to be positive and continue with your life, a normal life.
Blame…
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You probably have a lot of things to do but you don’t know how to start, and once you start; you have to stop cause you can’t concentrate, your mind is tired, you are tired.
Those plans, those pending tasks, you promised yourself you would do it, maybe today, during the week, you try to organize your time, your schedule, your life so you can start what you are supposed to do.
Is not you being “Lazy’, is just you don’t feel up to it, with the strength to get up and do it, you just want to turn off that machine that you have in your head that does not let you be and act like a normal person, stop doubting, cause you never know what to do, or how…
And when you end up not doing what you are supposed to do, you start blaming yourself. The feeling of guilt, unworthy, not capable, makes things worst…